What I'm dreading about hospital...

Sorry for the while since my last post - been away on a final pre-op holiday! Center Parcs was amazing, perfect for relaxing and letting off some steam from exams.

I'm not usually one to sound down or apprehensive in my posts, but with just under 3 weeks until my J pouch surgery, I'd be lying if I said I was 100% confident. Some things about this operation, I'm really dreading.

I think my biggest worry is the post-op pain I'm facing. Having had open surgery for my colectomy when my health was much, much poorer, I kinda know what I'm letting myself in for, but that doesn't help the fact that I know this sort of surgery involves a lot of pain. Last time, it wasn't the incision pain that bothered me, surprisingly enough, but the pain in my bottom! It was a heavy, dull pain that was sometimes really hard to handle. As I'm having my rectum removed this time, I'm expecting a similar sort of pain, by maybe even a little worse than before.

I'm also worried for the fact that I don't know yet if I'm having keyhole or open, and I won't find out until I wake up. My surgeon has said he will try keyhole, but may have to switch to open part way through the op, depending on how much scar tissue he encounters. I've had an open wound before, so I'd be okay with it, but the thought of not knowing is worrying me considerably!

Perhaps my biggest fear of all for the next op is the knowledge that I'll be waking up with a surgical drain in my side. For me, this is something I can't bear to even think about. I'll admit to having a real phobia of surgical drains. Last time, I became obsessed with the thing, and believed I could feel it moving with every breath. I wouldn't cough because I'd feel it move, and ordered my visitors to stand at least a metre away from it at all times! Understanding my fear, the amazing nurses gave me some laughing gas for its removal, but still the fear of the drain remains. When that comes out again, I'll be having a post-drain party ;)

And, of course, the idea of going into hospital - being away from family and friends, the feeling of isolation at times,and staying in bed for hours on end - it's not something I'm looking forward to.

I'm trying my best to stay positive - and aim to dive into this headfirst. I've made my decision and it's no pain no gain - this operation will give me the J pouch I'm longing for. That's got to be worth it in the end.