How having an ostomy made me lose - and find - confidence

It's now just 4 weeks until my stoma reversal, and as the weeks pass by I'm finding myself reflecting more and more on the past few years. 15th December will mark a new chapter in my life - but I'm not the same person now as I was when I first got diagnosed with IBD in December 2013.

While my illness has had some negatives - having to leave university for a year, missing out on things, physical and psychological effects - it's also brought me a lot of positives and opportunities that I would never have had if I'd stayed well. I've met some amazing people through being ill, fellow patients particularly. The strength of others fighting this horrible condition never ceases to amaze me. Over the years I've talked to adults, children, elderly people - all different ages and backgrounds, yet suffering from the same old IBD. I would never have even seen these people if it weren't for being ill.

Being ill has also inspired me. I study English Literature, but would love to do something health-related after I graduate. Working with the lovely team at Crohn's and Colitis UK has opened up lots of opportunities - such as work experience placements that have given me lots of ideas about the sort of career I might go into. IBD has also inspired me to volunteer: over the past 2 years, I've worked for the Ileostomy Association as a Young Person's Rep, for St Marks Hospital, and Over The Wall Summer Camp for seriously ill children.

But on a personal level, being ill has made me love myself in a way that I never used to before. As a 19 year old, being told I needed a stoma bag seemed like the worst thing in the world - how gross, to have to wear a bag on my stomach! Wouldn't people be grossed out? Wouldn't it make me ugly? How would I live a normal life with a stoma?

Well, apart from ditching some of my crop tops (a tiny sacrifice), having a stoma bag didn't change my life at all. Once I'd recovered, I went back to university, socialising and working as if surgery had never happened. And once I'd got over the initial shock of a stoma, I came to realise something - not only had I regained my confidence, but I'd become more confident than ever before.

Before surgery, there were lots of things I hated about my body. 'My legs are too wobbly', 'my nose is a funny shape', 'I don't like my side profile' were all common, petty complaints. I'd moan to friends about my hair being too thin, my thighs being too fat, my arms being too hairy, my curves being too small. I'd say I used to have pretty low self esteem.

Having a bag - at first - shattered this even further. Not only was I big legs-funny-nose-thin hair, now I was big-legs-funny-nose-thin-hair-with-a-poop-bag. This didn't exactly put me in any sort of 'glamorous' category. I cried about having the bag a lot. I felt ugly, and although I'd put on a brave face to my friends, inside I hated what had happened.

But after a while, I began to realise something. I began to wish I'd been more grateful for what I'd had before. All that time, while I'd been whinging about petty little bits of my appearance, I'd been healthy and carefree. Now, I would have given anything to get my pre-surgery body back to how it was, hairy arms and all.

So I decided that from then on, I'd try to love myself. My legs are alright, and so are my arms. My nose might be a bit of a weird shape, but it suits my face. And all this aside - having a bag doesn't mean I'm ugly. The scars left over from surgery when all this is over won't mean my stomach is 'spoiled'. All of it just makes up me. And I'm happy with that. As long as I'm HEALTHY, happy, and able to go about my life without interruption, who cares if I don't look 'perfect'. I'm confident just as I am.

I've already gone on several nights out where my scar is partially showing. If I want to wear crop tops, this is pretty unavoidable, as it touches the bottom of my rib line. Mostly, people don't notice. If they do, they usually don't comment - and the few that do tell me it actually a) looks pretty cool b) how neat it is (I'm fine with that!) After my surgery is over, I plan to wear bikinis by the poolside and on the beach and show off the whole lot, because why not.

I now often go on nights out with my scar showing. And why not?

The biggest negative aspect of ostomy surgery, in my opinion, is the psychological side. Physically, it becomes second hand. Changing a bag and caring for a stoma seems like a skill at first, but it really isn't. Anyone can learn how to do it. With practice, it's as easy as brushing your teeth. Once you're back in good health from surgery, having a stoma bag doesn't stop you from doing anything that you could do before.

The harder side is the mental one. The side that no amount of medical intervention can prepare you for. The feeling you'll get when you look at your post-surgery body is an intensely personal one. Nobody can tell you how you should react. At first, you'll probably feel pretty rubbish. But as with anything, time improves your mood. You do get used to having a bag - and your confidence will return. Hopefully, when it does, you can start to love yourself again.